Super Jew Wednesday

So I've always had a thing for Jews.

It kind of dawned on me last night as my friends were discussing online dating sites. Some of them belong to the imaginary club I like to call "The Most Jew-rific of the Jews," which really just means they have that particular distinguished profile and are probably partial to Hebrew National hot dogs. One of them wears a lot of sweaters, too.

Anyway, it came up that some of their friends use that kosher dating site called "J Date" to meet more Jews in the 'hood. "That's nice," you might be thinking. "People of a certain faith and culture coming together to teach others and brighten their world with their love." Uh, no. Sorry to break your idealistic utopian bubble, but the conversation consisted of words like "sperm receptacle" and "horror"...and "oy" as an afterthought. Not once did anyone say something like temple or Shabbos.

In fact, one of my friends told a story about a guy she knows who is famous for being the "Terror of JDate." He dates a high-volume of ladies from the site, has sex with them, and moves on without losing any bounce in his Hasidic curls. I was intrigued by this. What must it be like to terrorize an online dating service? One that caters to a famously oppressed and touchy group! How scandalous!

All of this was swirling around in my head. I was sitting in the corner of a nice little pub on a comfy red velvet bench, sipping my soda water and laughing a lot. And then it happened. I realized I have a thing for Jewish dudes. Although there are several important exceptions to this rule (you know who you are, Dippy), a number of guys that I have been hot and heavy with were tall, solidly built non-believers in Jesus. Wow.

I woke up this morning and the mixture of information and curiosity had thickened in my head. The first thing I did when I sat down was went online and made a beeline for jdate.com. You have to go through the registration process to see other profiles. I hesitated. It would be disrespectful to complete this profile. I would anger people. It would only prove that I am, in fact, mostly German. And that I have no soul.

So I did it.

There were pulldown menus asking me my ethnicity. "Oh shit," I thought. "What does Ashkenazi mean? Are they the cool ones?" I picked the one that had a meaning I understood and sounded the most attractive ("mixed ethnic"). I go to Synagogue on high holidays, and I keep kosher at home only.

Considering that I was just trying to get through the setup to see some profiles, I sighed in disgust when I saw text fields. They asked about my ideal first date, who I am, and who I want to meet. I wrote the lamest shit you could think of, and was exasperated every time it told me that "100 characters is the minimum" when I tried to advance too quickly. I wrote things like "I want to find someone who enjoys laughing, dogs, power walks, and killing Jesus." I erased the last part and wrote in "candlelit dinners" because I am a pussy.

I was becoming increasingly excited to become part of this exclusive club. What did other Jewish people like to do on the weekends? What were their pictures like? Aside from the fact that lots of my pals are Jewish to varying degrees, I felt like this mystery that surrounds them (maybe the same one that helped their people cross the Red Sea) was suddenly surrounding me too. At that moment, there was a knock at the door and the Vons delivery guy was standing there. Jewish. I smiled, arched an eyebrow, and let my newfound JAPpiness show. It worked. He totally wanted to give me something kosher. Heh heh...

Anyway, I finally got back to the computer after putting away our cloven-hooved frozen goods and shellfish pops. Apparently my perception of the ideal relationship is "two people caring about each other and not giving up when things get difficult." Barf. I clicked on as many directly oppositional character traits that I could find, like "easygoing" and "wild," and "artistic" and "practical." I found myself fantasizing about being able to click a button that said "self-loathing" or "as Jewish as Orlando Bloom is straight."

The mess continued on for the better part of the hour. I wrote the stupidest, most cliche tripe I could come up with and clicked on the dumbest options around. I eat both vegan and fast food. I love every activity that these jokers could come up with including but not limited to Canasta. It became a challenge to build a person that was every Jewish man's ideal. The profile was in-depth and managed to say nothing about me.

And it worked.

Without a picture or a screen name indicating any sort of personality whatsoever, much less anything else, I have NINE MESSAGES waiting for me in my inbox. NINE. In a space of 3 hours. Is this really the state of dating in the Jewish community? Fresh blood in the water stirs up all the sharks existing in Los Angeles county?! Are they ALL known as the Terror of JDate to their friends? Does my profile make me look like an easy mark? Seriously, my baat mitzvah wasn't yesterday, boys.

But now a new roadblock exists in my Quest to Masquerade as a Jew! Thanks to these dollar-savvy bastards, I can't claim my messages and see who wants to get under my hagorah until I fork over 35 bucks. Since I am a Gentile and not actually a Jewish banker like I had put on my profile, I cannot really afford to pay these lovely people for their services.

So I bounced this off a few of my precious inner circle peeps. And they're giving me money. Apparently it is really important to some of you that I find out who these guys are. Will I contact them? Are they suckers? Will they reference the kabbala in instant message? Should I tell them my name is Esther? And most importantly, will I confess that I am a shiksa who just loves cruising Fairfax between Santa Monica and 3rd, relishing my steamy fantasies?

If I make it to $34.95, you're going to hear all about it here. Oh yes, my darlings, you can count on that.

matzah makes me hotza. g