JACKPOT!

That's right, my darlings. I want to live in Jackpot, Nevada. Not the City of Sin, no. Not anywhere but this little town full of dreams called Jackpot.

Here I was, sitting at my computer and enjoying a frosty Diet Snapple (Lemon Iced Tea, to be exact). I popped open that shiny green cap and found out that, sadly, I did NOT win a new VW Convertible. Which, on a side note, is a good thing because I have no faith left in the Volkswagen brand.

Oh, you German devils, selling us your sub-par vehicles with door handles that peel and CD players that short circuit! To hell with your 40k warranty! Ach! I spit on the graves of your Nazi ancestors!

Sorry. My own Jetta problems getting the better of me.

Anyway, I didn't win. But, those nice folks at Snapple provided me with a little-known "fun" fact. There is a town in NV named Jackpot. I happen to think this is adorable. Imagine what life would be like in a quaint little desert town named Jackpot...

You wake up in the morning, throw your tanned, perfectly toned legs over the edge of the bed and yawn. You stretch, look over at your dashing, well-endowed husband who is playfully begging you to have a morning romp. "Oh no," you say with a smile, "You know that Billy Crudup and I are going for a hike with the orphans. How else will those little ones get any vitamin D if we don't take them out in the sun?" and your husband smiles, kisses you with tongue, and takes a shower.

As Beaudreau (your husband) runs off to work at some highly-paying low stress job, you thank god you don't have any obnoxious children ruining your perfect landscaping, peeing in your piano-shaped pool, or climbing up your Eames-style armoir containing all your designer clothes and jumping onto your NASA space-foam mattress.

You go for a hike with the orphans and BillyBo (your pet name for Mr. Crudup). You pick some wild flowers, sing some John Cougar Mellancamp, and listen as BillyBo makes up fake MasterCard ads.

"Pound of coke. $1000. High-profile hookers. $4000. Hiking with Orphans and you? Priceless." and you laugh and laugh.

The little orphans are happy...and also dirtier than they were before. You and BIllyBo laugh because you didn't think that was possible. When you arrive home, you eat a nice lunch of leafy greens with a lemon vinagrette, and some tomato and mozzarella sandwiches.

You have just settled down for your afternoon of watching famous foreign film while Tammy, the Vietnamese version of Donna Sommer, gives you a manicure and a pedicure. Here in Jackpot, Tammy speaks English all the time and never makes fun of you to her Vietnamese girlfriends in Vietnamese while she scrubs away your callouses. She does a full set for you and paints little polka dots on your toes, and stays to chat. Tammy loves Fellini, and says Amarcord is her favorite movie. You two have so much in common!

Beaudreau comes home at 4, like he always does. You take him up on that nice little romp idea he had in the morning, and then go to the neighborhood block party. There are fireworks, good friends, romantic kisses with your betrothed, and apple pie. Everyone has a chair, and everyone feels the beauty of the desert night sinking in around them. You spend the last moments of the night happy that you moved here from Paris, Switzerland, or Schenectady, whatever "paradise" you inhabited before, and you share the warmth that comes only from true happiness.

The next morning it all starts again. Such is life here in Jackpot, NV, where everyone is happy and no one has more than one arm.

Um. Wait a minute. That went south in the final moments. I think maybe life in Jackpot isn't what it was cracked up to be. Give me dirty streets, the homeless, gross fast food, and broken dreams. We're all better off here.

Triple Salchow! g