A Tough Question

I am guilty of fearing the future and missing the moment. I think most of us are. This subject has taken up a large share of my thoughts lately. My spidey-sense is telling me that it's time for me to suck it up and learn something valuable about myself. Something that I have chosen not to learn so far...and I think this whole "living in the NOW" is part of it.

Answers reveal themselves in weird ways. Sometimes Warren Beatty is sent to you, for instance, to reveal life's truths AND make your ass pitch perfect.

I don't have any goals that warrant constant life-manipulation. I think life is wasted if you try TOO hard. Confidence and a little effort is all it takes to get through the day, week, and year. I was sitting here, in the empty office, thinking about the future in a curious, "Hey, I've never really considered this" kind of way.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? Take a minute to really answer this question. Don't immediately say "I'm going to be a successful author/actor/proctologist." Really think about it. What is your gut telling you? Are you going to change paths from attempting to become a Senator to becoming a farmer? Will you be married? Will you have a child that you resent? Any traveling, any sex with strangers? A near-fatal accident? Newfound religion? Disease that you miraculously recover from?

Don't think about what you WANT. Think about what really happens to people. We're young and full of dreams, but we can go either way. Outrageously successful or blinding failures. Which one are you? Your answer might surprise you.

But it's difficult to be surprised when you can't really answer the question. I personally don't even want to WRITE some of the possibilities that are dancing on the edges of my brain. I feel like it might unleash some kind of prophecy that will hang over my head for the rest of my life. Now THAT'S fear of the future.

Ten years ago, I had my first serious boyfriend. We would escape to the local park and make out in his car. Usually we would come home late and try really hard to look like we weren't doing anything wrong with our rumpled clothing and over-bright eyes. We would get hassled by the cops for being out late at night. We felt invincible because we were crafty and were the leads of every play at school. The Lunch Bunch (the unofficial clique name) would have lunches (of course) at my boyf's house, make movies, laugh, and play Super Mario Kart. We flooded the basement once ("Righty TIGHTY!"). We drank. We kissed. We experimented. We got in trouble with our parents.

I never dreamed that in a decade I would live in LA. I play poker as many Tuesday nights as I can. I worked at a movie theater and met some of the greatest characters my life will ever know. I've edited some movies, had some screenings, won some contests. I have developed a love of yoga, acupuncture, and eating well, although I am still not a fucking vegetarian. I have learned what it feels like to get dumped by the guy you thought was the One, as well as dump the guy I think is the One. I have figured out what great sex is and the fact that you don't have it with everybody. I have a way better wardrobe than I did then. I've seen everyone go through pain, accidents, deaths, and fights. I've been homeless. I've cried a lot, laughed even more.

So what's in store? The whole point is not to think too much. Life is scary, but we just cruise through it with superficial fear--generally, we always make it through. We don't have real, bone-crushing fear, because that would render us unable to function. That kind of trepidation comes from REALLY stopping to think what might happen. Try to relax and edge out ALL that doubt, my darlings. Even superficial fear can ruin your day.

Lefty lucy. g