All my friends know the Low Rider

I just heard the coolest thing. And by "coolest," I mean totally lame in real life, and great for the fickle world of Fashion Sense.

The Virginia State Legislature has instituted a low-riding pants fine. If anyone is caught exposing their undies in a lewd manner, they'll be fined 50 smackers and have to appear in court.

Now, I am in agreement with Cher and Dionne of "Clueless" fame: pants that don't fit are super stupid and in a perfect world should be banned. There should be a fashion policeman in every store, saying things like, "Now son, those don't quite fit right. Don't you want to show off your package to all those nice folks out there? Just hand over these size 42s for a respectably slim, hot 34. Atta boy...slowly...no sudden moves...here's one with a little stretch to it, don't be frightened..." This, as we already know, is not a perfect world, so guys get to wear whatever they want.

In the recent past, thank Christ, they have started choosing correctly. Skinny pants are back, thanks to the old school rockers like Jack White and everyone in the Strokes. This has tipped the Fashion Balance, forcing gents to at least come to the middle ground of pants that fit snugly around their precious little narrow man-hips. Rarely can a male be seen sporting jeans that could house a few Ethiopians, barely clinging to his frame with one of those braided belts. If they ever pop up, they are ridiculed back into hiding at the rave or the Jon's supermarket.

Apparently in Richmond we still have a problem. I guess Fabrizio can't reach everybody. Don't they have Diesel stores in Virginia? Why don't these guys get it? Buy pants that fit and chicks will gladly take them off you. Suddenly, with pants that fit, you can stop using your hands to perpetuate this neverending bottom-bearing farce. Instead, your hands have all this free time to fondle breasts or do some great drugs with celebrities. Think of the possibilities, youngsters! YOU COULD BE COOL AGAIN.

This is a huge victory for fashion. In reality, though, it's been met with raised eyebrows. Is this sort of punishment geared toward black males? Won't this whole court thing take their parents away from work and kind of mess things up? The woman sponsoring the bill is black. One of the bill's biggest opponents is black, too. This could get messy.

And I ask you, my darlings, what new clashes between the private sector's fashion choices and state legislatures are in store for us? Will Cali ever tell Paris that little dogs are totally yesterday's news? Will Iowa tell their farmers to get nicer boots? I find myself occasionally offended by other's fashion decisions...can we make a bill to get them to stop?

On a side note, I think we should get the guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy to be our town Fashion Police. They can be pulled around town on a gilded chariot. "What kind of horses will pull it?" you ask, in your adorable naive way. "Not horses," I say with a naughty wink, "Chippendales dancers."

Next Week: Grae solves the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with fabulous Ikea furniture and chewy snacks with lots of nougat.

Done and Done. g