Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

A part of me has died today.

I had two copies of the same DVD. I knew that the extra copy of Lord of the Rings: Two Towers had come from Best Buy. "No problem," I thought. "I can exchange it for the new Donnie Darko Director's Cut. I love you so, precious Best Buy." After my workout today, I headed over there, DVD in hand. I jauntily stepped up to the counter at the entrance, flashed what Ben the Best Buy employee called a "million-dollar smile," got my little pink "they didn't steal this" sticker, and picked out some DVDs to purchase.

I'll admit that there was an air of cockiness about me as I cruised through those aisles, carelessly tossing Fear and Loathing Criterion Collection and the entire Eerie Indiana series in my little basket. I'm not scared to say that I was at home in this store, where I have purchased so many electronics it would make your head spin. With service plans, nonetheless.

Donnie Darko in hand, I walked to the Customer Service Center. That smile was firmly in place, hand outstretched and ready for a quick and painless transaction. I was visualizing me on my couch, all curled up in my kimono sans underpants, watching the extra features. Laughing gaily at the Kevin Smith commentary. Loving life. Possibly munching on a Fuji Apple.

Then, a short dumpy Columbian woman named Miranda brought it all crashing down around my ears. "May I see your receipt?" she asked.

"Oh, it was a gift. But it came from here. See the sticker? I just want to make an exchange if I could."

"Gift receipt?" she said without feeling. Was that contempt in her eyes? Or glaucoma?

"No, I don't have one." When my neighbor handed the gift over to me, I didn't have the heart to tell her I already owned it. I figured I would quietly return it and we could STILL watch Two Towers when she came over to visit. No harm, no foul. Miranda was getting visibly agitated as I shifted from one foot to the other, searching for a solution. In a quick flash of genius I said, "I've been able to do this before. Did I mention that it still has the Best Buy sticker on it?"

"We only allowed that during Christmas." her putty-colored khakis strained against her thighs, making a noise only audible to dogs and jilted customers.

"See how it has the sticker on it, though? You're really beautiful."

And she exhaled sharply, rolled her eyes skyward, and said "There's nothing I can do for you."

I walked away, back past Ben at the counter. He looked at me and my moist eyes. "You didn't have a receipt, did you?" Suddenly all that kindness was gone. "Get the fuck out."

At least that's what I think he said.

I drove away, and a lone tear rolled down my cheek. Best Buy, my precious provider of cordless phones, LCD projection TVs, speaker stands, DVD players, CDs, and DVD goodness had turned its back on me. I was no longer special.

I wanted to march back in there, Reward Zone card in hand, and pull out a pair of scissors in the middle of the store. "What does this actually MEAN?" I would wail. "You don't value me as a customer or a person. You just use me and abuse me, eager for your next shot to see the inside of my wallet. Well, you can kiss my patronage goodbye, you're no better than Mussolini or Tonya Harding." I would cut the card up into eight equal pieces, in front of God and everyone. Then I would find Mister Buy himself and put each sharp piece of wretched plastic in his mouth and light him on fire.

I am hurting, my darlings. Something I believed in has been revealed as a lie. A big, fat no-returns-without-receipt lie. My heart feels heavy. I need a nap. I also need to return this f'ing DVD. Life is shit.

forsook. g