Yaar, it's Drivin' Me Nuts!

I was at the gym, stair-mastering my ass off, when I saw that a whole bunch of passengers on a cruise ship were attacked by pirates off the coast of Somalia.

"Oh Goody," I thought as sweat poured down the small of my back creating something similar to the Rio Grande. "They were treated to the sight of funny hats and puffy white shirts. Some with eye patches, some without. Less teeth than an average person. And scabbards! What luck. Maybe they could all get a hearty round of the Spongebob Squarepants theme going."

Well, the media has once again given me an unrealistic depiction of the world. These guys were super mean. They were grimy, but had no red sashes tied jauntily around their middles. No one had a peg leg, and there certainly was no fowl resting adorably on anyone's shoulder. That meaty space between their neck and shoulderblade was taken up by grenade launchers (which is a poor choice, considering that grenade launchers never say cute things like "AWP! Shiver me timbers, I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" Or anything, for that matter).

The cruise ship was hit several times by grenades. Finally, after sustaining some damage, it was able to speed up, change course, and hit the pirates with a sonic-boom-making LRAD (long range acoustic device). They escaped, mostly unscathed.

Now, here's what I want to know. Why in the hell was a cruise ship out there in the first place? This occurred off the coast of Somalia, where there has not been a centralized government for 14 years. They have no laws, essentially. Did the people at Seaborn Cruise Lines really think that it was a nice place to take a whole bunch of civilians? Were they planning on dumping some radioactive waste, and needed to go somewhere under the radar? What other reason could there have possibly been?

Maybe Kathie Lee Gifford pulled some strings and got some other cruise line to do her dirty work. Maybe Carnival was supposed to dump the waste, or kidnap the children, or smuggle the diamonds. But she couldn't risk it, not after the whole sweat shop thing, and also because Cody and Cassidy have rickets and can't be without mama...or maybe she just wants to take down every other cruise line, one by one, so she clandestinely poses as a potential customer and requests they sail to dangerous places where they'll surely be killed.

I know that Kathie Lee has something to do with this.

In summation, my favorite pirate joke is as follows:

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a steering wheel on his belt. The bartender looks at him and asks him why he has the steering wheel there. And the pirate responds...(the title of this blog).

the movie was rated AAR! g