When Johnny Cash Attacks

Last night marked the beginning of my favorite time of year. It is ON now, my darlings. Halloween was last night, and I am officially in the throes of the season that never fails to make me happy. You can expect me to be all excited and mushy through the end of January, just for the record.

Anyway, last night began with The Mighty G, dressed as Cletus the Wiley Cowboy, ordering my sister to "fix [him] a chicken pot pie, bitch." What the Mighty G didn't know is that my born-again Christian father was on the phone with my sister at the time and inquired as to "who in the world Grae is hanging out with." The best part? My sister's answer was "Oh, that's just The G. Mom wanted to take her to dinner when you guys visit at Thanksgiving."

So stay tuned for THAT blog.

Anyway, after a wild cab ride with a driver who hates rap and especially 50 cent, we shmoozed with Lady MelRaf, the coolest Dirty Old Man in the world, Robin, the World's Cutest Pregnant Catholic Schoolgirl, as well as Dakota Fanning, an original Dawn of the Dead Zombie, and Wednesday Addams. I noticed that Jeffy, aka Harry Potter, was getting a little aggressive with his wand, but figured he would calm down as soon as we got to the street where he could join his Gryffindor Pals and use his magic.

We hit Santa Monica. Filling my ears were passersby shouting "Johnny Cash!" at my special man friend and striking the air triumphantly with their fists. Soon after hitting the boulevard, I was accosted by Asians Who Adore Tinkerbell (A.W.A.T.), gay men, Peter Pans, and little girls who were convinced that I was "the real Tinkerbell." It dawned on me that I had a strong fan base with the youths, and needed to stay sober and mostly polite as to not shatter their dreams. I figured that Cletus was doing enough shouting at strangers to "Get me a Coors light," among threats to make various people "a hood ornament on [his] truck," so we were all set for the rowdy aspect of the night.

The real fun started when we arrived back at Lady Mel Raf's to see a drunken JC, pigtails a-waggling, fending off advances from the young lady I will refer to as the "Underage Train Wreck French Maid." Her breasts were so present and ample that I actually found myself hoping she would rub them all over every man in the room (yes, my boyfriend included), just so he could say he had that happen once.

Her nipples were peeking out from her costume for most of the night. It was the closest I have ever seen some other female's nips...which made me kind of disppointed in myself. Shouldn't I have done more of that in college?

Harry Potter, always the chivalrous one, saved her from being molested by an old man. The Brothers Nelms and Johnny Cash also acted as a sort of buffer between her and the crowd when they were able to. She mostly just needed saving from herself, so when she joined us, it really made Halloween complete. What's the holiday without an underage girl, recently kicked out of her house, brandishing her feather duster suggestively at strangers and asking loudly for "stronger drinks that aren't made for pussies?"

Anyway, in one magical moment, we passed the KBIG stage that began playing "Baby Got Back." I kissed my hand, and waved it at the sky saying, "I Love You, JenniJens!" as I began shaking my wand and my jingle bells in time to the beat. All of a sudden, I felt a furious, assertive, take-no-prisoners kind of freak dancing happening at my backside. Mildly concerned, I turned to assess the offender. Was it that creepy Cat in The Hat I saw leering at my wings? Or the slutty nurse brandishing oversized-and-fake-but-still-scary hypodermic needles?

Nay, it was neither. It was Johnny Cash.

A surge of relief filled my body, since we often do versions of this same thing in private. I was all in. When the music finally died down, so did our fever, and we were able to switch to a normal stride. We turned around and saw that we had sent Cletus into a giggle spiral. According to her, she was just walking behind The Man in Black, and all of a sudden, without words or warning, he began dancing nasty with Tinkerbell and she Loved It. It was as though she had been silently begging for it, and he was succumbing to the siren song of her short skirt and jauntily bouncing wings.

The night was one of the best Halloweens I have had since my parents threw a huge Halloween party in my backyard with chili and warm apple cider for all my closest 10 year old friends.

If this was any indication of how my favorite time of year will turn out, then I am all set.

i fell into a burning ring of hotness. g