Caught in the Act

My head is about twenty seconds from splitting open and letting forth a torrent of blood and brains. My stomach is swaying to and fro, and I can feel the waves of nausea washing around inside me. I look helplessly at the remote, sitting on the counter, while I am three feet away on the couch. It might as well be in Abu Dhabi.

I am watching the Tyra Banks show.

Now, it's not Tyra herself that's getting me. I love Tyra. With her sass and beautiful eyes, I always find her refreshing, witty, and hip. And so fashionable!

It's the subject matter that's killing me. These folks have caught their lovers cheating on them, and their lovers are denying it. There's one man who opened his girlfriend's emails and saw a picture of her in the throes with another man AND a woman. Her response? "Well, I was drunk, and I didn't think it'd be a big deal."

There's a lady who finds articles of women's clothing in her man's house frequently. According to him, they're women from his work that need a place to crash. But would he be upset if he found men's boxers in his lady's house? Of course.

The list goes on and on. People are sitting in front of the nation, putting their poor communication skills on display. What is cheating and why do people not discuss this together? Are racy texts to an ex off limits? Ask! Can you kiss other people on the mouth without repurcussions? Inquire within! Is it actually going to take someone's Tab A entering your Slot B for there to be trouble in River City?!

It seems like we're missing a couple major classes in high school--one would be Reconciling a Bank Account, the other would be How to Not Fuck Up Your Relationships.

The best part came at the end of the show, when an uber-hipster tech chick presented a plethora of gadgets to catch cheaters in the act. There were air ionizers that had cameras in them, services that would record all conversations on their cell phones, and computer software that takes screen shots every second. They even bust out the boom box with a camera and mic!

Tyra was oohing and aahing over them while the men in the audience were booing. Uber-hipster tech chick turned to them and said, "These can be for you, too!" And I chuckled, because we all know that women are the target audience fror these things. We are the ones who assume that we need to manipulate in order to get the truth. Because we have been known not to tell the truth, we assume our men won't, either. What women don't know is that men usually lie when they know what they have to say will get them in trouble. Women turn men into manipulators--They don't start out that way. It's not in their wiring (if they're healthy).

All of a sudden, people's word means nothing. As uber-hipster tech chick said so matter-of-factly, in her wise cashmere cardigan of power, "Every relationship has problems." And instead of having an adult heart-to-heart with our significant other, we end up creating an intimate connection with our credit card and the stock boy at Best Buy.

ugh. g