17 Tracks and I've Had it with This Game.

I believe that whenever something goes awry, life is presenting you with a way to learn some life skill that you lack. If you choose not to learn it, then it will happen again until you do. I believe that I have discussed this idea with you before, my darlings, and today it is in motion with yours truly.

I am surrounded by people who don't want my help.

I am used to being the one that people come to for a pick-me-up. Not in a "drug user/Candyman/Dr. Feelgood" kind of way, but rather in a "she has a level head and can make me laugh" kind of way. I feel like it is my one true gift to help people see the wonderful things in this life. And the bonus to that is that while helping someone else see it, I discover it too.

But there are a couple of important people that aren't letting me do it right now, and I feel useless. I feel confused. I am unwanted. Ignored. Obsolete. Without meaning.

It's a lousy feeling.

My phone messages go unanswered, my texts oftentimes go unnoticed and ignored. They go nowhere. Nothing comes of anything I try to put together. Now there is little to no hanging out. No laughs, no good times. Just my voice on the machine, feigning perkiness.

What's the fucking lesson here? I am being bombarded with opportunities to learn, but I have no clear vision of what I need to work towards.

Alls I know is that I am feeling a little bit like one of the castaways on the Island of Lost Toys. Or something like that. I'm talking about the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer claymation special where one of the elves wants to be a dentist and seems a little gay, and they fight the snow monster and stuff...Well, I mean one of the toys on that island. No one wants them anymore. They no longer make people happy, they just sit and rust and feel bad about themselves.

It feels awful to know that you could be helping someone feel better, but they won't let you. I have cookbooks open, ready to make dinner. DVDs are waiting on my shelves, begging to be laughed at. My garter belt is aching for its chance to make an appearance. All my lips want to do is smile, smile, smile, and make the bad things go a little ways away for awhile. I have singing telegrams that should be sent.

But unfortunately, after a long hard look at what's going on in my life, these folks don't want any part of it. I guess I need to find people that do.

search. g