Past My Bedtime...

I stayed up late, devouring this book "A Million Little Pieces." James Frey managed to suck me into this world, where I was educating myself on what addiction feels like and how addicts act and what happens to people around them. I nearly ripped the book of its spine finishing it, I was so engrossed. As the tears roll down my face, I feel sad that the journey has ended. I knew the people he spoke of in the novel. As each page turned, I felt more and more like they were my ex, my friends from school, lovers, that guy in the BMW that cut me off in Hollywood today, and people from my future.

I think maybe I am finally starting to get it.

My biggest problem in dealing with DJ lately is that I know that I have read what depression and the rest of his problems look like on paper. But past my minor addiction to chocolate and haute couture, I do not UNDERSTAND what he is going through. I feel like it's important to make that word mean something important. I get it, sure, but I do not UNDERSTAND.

After reading this book, I feel so much more enlightened. I saw the problems he had communicating with his parents, who didn't understand either. I saw how much he hated himself. I saw the depth of his terror when he thought about The Fury inside him. I felt like he let me inside to see all the things I was having trouble imagining.

Some people have called his memoir a self-aggrandizing piece of trash that is poorly written and representative of the disgusting excess of the bourgeoisie. To me, though, it is a wake up call. It is a beautiful bell ringing in my ear, showing me that I don't have the answers and that is okay. I can't do anything to help and that is fine. If I want to hold this closely to me, I must let it go.

If eating the pages would bring this lesson closer to me, I would do it.

Weeks ago, when I purchased this book along with two others, I had no idea what it was. I just thought the whole "waking up on an airplane with no front teeth and a hole in your cheek" thing sounded fucked up. Of course, the others I bought were the ones I read first, and this came along right when I needed it most.

Two weeks ago, it would have meant less. Tonight, it means everything. This morning, it has brought me peace.

rest. g