The Dating Wizard

Well, everybody, you can relax, because your dating problems are over. I discovered last night that one of my close friends is The Dating Wizard (or Wiz, for brevity purposes). I have known him for going on 3 years now and he NEVER TOLD ME THIS. I went though many stages of emotion regarding this, and when I finally reached Acceptance, I was able to ask him why in God's name he thought that he had all the goddamn answers.

He had an easy, fast, and to-the-point response: The 5 Factors.

I had heard whisperings of this idea before. Apparently his legend had spread throughout the world ("Hitch" was based on him, in fact). And here is that idea.

When you are not dating anyone, and when you don't like anyone in particular, you have to come up with 5 traits that your ideal mate has to have or cannot have. There is a trick to this. They have to be over-arching themes and not too specific, and they cannot include the imperative and obvious theme of Attraction/Chemistry. You cannot include physical traits either, because they fall under Attraction/Chemistry, too, as a sub-heading. The Mighty G wanted large penises to be on her list, much to the Wiz's chagrin, and we finally convinced her that it's not what you've got but how you use it. I don't think she was persuaded.

If any of you reading this are involved with someone, you can forget about making this list. You will only manipulate it to make it fit your current love interest, or it could destroy the relationship...because the next step after making the list is to kick someone to the curb if you discover they don't have one or more of the 5 traits.

That's the cold, hard reality of the list, my darlings. If you make it and choose to use it, you shouldn't do it half-assed. When someone is missing one, it's nothing personal, but they aren't your ideal. Therefore, they need to be let go so you two crazy kids can find your real matches.

Some people might say that this is a little harsh. Some people might be afraid that they would be branded "Picky" or "Shallow." I say that these people are pussies and this list just might work. I cannot formulate my own list right now, for reasons stated above, but I look forward to doing it sometime. Or maybe I will make my list in secret and put it into effect later on (don't tell the Wiz).

What would be on your list? Remember to come up with specific traits, then put them under a larger umbrella word. Think yellow stickies here, ArcLighters.

So, this was some food for thought. If any of you out there are single and looking for some lovin', give this a shot. The Wiz has invested a lot of time and effort into his current relationship, and things seem to be going nicely. So I guess he's proof that the list can work. Get out your lined paper and WRITE!

ease on down the road. g