Call of the Wild

There have been a lot of stories in the news lately about animals ripping people limb from limb. I mean, this kind of shit happens everyday in the jungle, but the valley? What the eff is going on?!

A couple of weeks ago, a man and his wife went to visit their chimp Moe in a sanctuary. Moe had been sent there because about in 1999, he had bit off a woman's finger. So fast forward to the couple bringing Moe a cake in early March. They enter the cage where their chimp and two others named Buddy and Ollie were held, and all of a sudden, the others got out and attacked the dude. They bit his foot off, destroyed his face beyond recognition, and according to the uncomfortable anchorman, "found his testacles in another location."

The chimps were shot. Cries of disbelief came from Californians. How easily we forget that these things we lock up in our apartments and backyards are one step away from being WILD ANIMALS. Sometimes their instinct to mate, kill, and eat are stronger than you saying "roll over" with a Snausage in your hand.

A friend of mine mentioned that since Moe stayed hidden during the attack, it sounded like he had been abused and the other chimps were seeking vengeance. Like the Monkey Mob. Maybe Buddy and Ollie thought that the man had told Moe to "go get his shine box," like that dude in GoodFellas, and they just didn't have a trunk to stuff him in so they ate him.

Now last night, a woman was attacked by a Pit Bull mix. She was at her house and the Pit tried to attack her puppy. She stepped in, and the Pit turned on her instead. By the time the cops showed up, she was laying there and the Pit was just chewing on her.

They shot the dog four times, he stepped back, then resumed eating her. So they killed it. Video footage is chock full of bloody door jambs and puddles of liquid on the pavement.

She's in the hospital as we speak.

Just when you thought things couldn't get more disconcerting, Pat O'Brien, host of one of America's tippy-top news shows The Insider, has checked into rehab AND has been caught on tape saying super-dirty stuff involving anal sex, cocaine, and prostitutes...and Margaret Cho was on Wayne Brady rapping in a Yeti jacket and a top hat (check out the clip at ifilm.com).

I think that something weird is going on in the universe. Make sure you have your earthquake tack and some fresh water around.

yikes. g