Cruel Juice

I read somewhere that at some point in ancient times, two guys were sitting next to cranberry vines, sunning themselves and drying their loin cloths (it was laundry day). Their names were Stan and Garp, and the conversation was something like this:

Stan: I am so sick of other people being on the planet. Aren't you, Garp?
Garp: Garp.
S: Yeah, totally. Hey, check it out. Berries!
G: Garp.

They eat some berries.

S: Oh, Jesus! These taste horrible! These have got to be poisonous. Are you dead yet?
G: Garp.
S: Me neither. But they sure taste awful. Hey! That gives me a great idea.
G: Garp?
S: We should press these into a liquid and give it to people to drink. It will taste so terrible that they will kill themselves, and we'll have the whole planet to ourselves!!
G: Garp!

And so, cranberry juice was created. What Stan and Garp didn't know is that some people have a taste for horrendously bitter liquids and actually seek it out. Even people who don't care for it don't kill themselves, they just mix it with vodka and get wasted to wash away the bitter tincture left in their souls from ingesting that Devil Juice.

Unfortunately, it serves a useful purpose. The highly acidic quality of the juice creates an environment that is unpleasant for bacteria, which keeps it from adhering to urethral walls and causing trouble. So, for those people whose urethra is prone to such adhesion, cranberry juice is a necessary evil.

I am one of those people. And sadly, I am also one of those people Stan was counting on to want to kill themselves after drinking this nasty, nasty juice.

So, basically, Stan is a dick. I like Garp better, because he focused on the cranberries' medicinal properties but didn't want to punish people with lousy urethras for needing it. He created cranberry pills. Sadly, they are too slow-acting for a gal like me and I am forced to drink the juice. Every time I open my refrigerator door, I see that little bottle of juice sitting there, mocking me. "I'm one hundred percent PAIN, Grae...er, I mean juice. Drink me, you essentially have no choice!"

I am going to smash the bottle into tiny little bits when I'm better. Right now, I have to go take another swig. The only good thing about this is that all this bathroom time means that I have caught up on my Entertainment Weekly reading.

bright side. g

*editor's note: I would have made this more scathing, but I had to abandon it for the potty too many times. Seriously, mean it up a little in your head, and that's what I wanted to write.*