I Already Have a Long Distance Carrier, Thanks

While visually devouring the pages of my Entertainment Weekly, I stopped to look at an AT&T ad. A smug-looking woman with an afro and her arms crossed across her chest is standing looking directly into the camera. Standing next to her is a Benji dog on a leash. Based on her workout clothes, I am led to assume that this dynamic duo was out for a walk in the woods, but Mommy stopped because she had something important to tell America.

Her words are written in childlike cursive in a big pink heart to the left of her no-nonsense face. And I quote:

"The World According to Toni:
Before I get serious with a guy, I like to make him watch Hollywood movies from the 50s and 60s. In those flicks men were suave and knew how to treat a woman like a lady. So this is my test: if he falls asleep, I dump him. If he shows some interest, he might get a second date. If he wants to watch it again, well then I know that's my man!"

I'm not going to beat around the bush with you, my darlings. Toni is a fucking idiot. Here's the thing: this is just an ad, but you and I both know that there are real women out there that do this kind of shit. Is it a mystery to them why the only intimate relationship in their life is between them and frozen dairy products?

First of all, just because a man needs a nap during your shitty Frankie and Annette popcorn flick has nothing to do with his likeliness to open doors and throw his jacket over mud puddles for you. People need sleep, for chrissakes, and it's creepier for him to try and stay awake than it is for him to get some shut eye. Have you ever seen someone fighting to stay up? It's only cute when 3-year-olds do it. For the rest of us, it's lame and kind of sad. Apparently Toni is willing to pass up what could have been one of the greatest relationships of her life because her beau needed a nap.

"If he shows some interest, he might get a second date." This is exactly the kind of calculating, judgemental bullshit that keeps us from finding happiness and gives chicks a bad name. It would have been more accurate for her to say, "If he passes my brilliantly scientific test and I deem him worthy of my AMAZING company, I MIGHT decide to let him bask in my own personal brand of magic." Toni can be as superficial as she wants, but her man had better be ready to treat her with genuine TLC, or else. What an arrogant way to look at life.

The last thing this daft cow has to say is that her perfect man is an obessive-compulsive whack job moviegoer. If I just finished a flick and MY man wanted to watch it again immediately, I would wrinkle my nose and furrow my brow in confusion. If that flick was Roman Holiday or Barefoot in the Park, you can multiply that frown/furrow times three. Essentially, with this step, Toni has narrowed her partnership options down to exactly what she said she didn't want in the first place. Crazy men who watch movies over and over again are probably not going to be the best ones to fulfill all her deeply spiritual Relationship Requirements like looking good in a suit and being good kissers.

I bet Benji strains on his leash. I wonder if Toni realizes that the minute that thing comes off, Benji is running as fast as his furry legs will carry him to the Land of No Crazy Women Owners. Not even an animal could withstand the pain from seeing the effects of Toni's Rules for Successful Mating.

So AT&T, you have successfully made me glad YET AGAIN that I no longer depend on either you or SBC for any type of phone services. I'm glad I cancelled my cell phone contract back in '02, and I am ecstatic that I use Vonage for all my home phone needs. I'm also glad Vonage sued you in 2004. And as for Toni? Somebody find her reset button, because her wires are crossed.

growl. g