don't let your vagina talk to strangers

You are responsible for the safety and well-being of your vagina. It needs your guidance, your love, and your attention. Abuse it, and it will check out and become a serial killer and soon you will be watching Made-for-TV movies about your vag going psycho and killing a bunch of teenage girls. Or something like that. Anyway, love your self-cleansing, rain-foresty organ. It needs you.

It's like your myspace page.

You should be clear about the outcome you want. Do you want to be popular, fun and fancy free, and ready to roll with some curve balls the world throws, or do you want to be cozy and intimate? Once you determine this, act accordingly.

You're not allowed to add oodles of people you don't know, plus every band that requests your friendship, and then complain that "everyone on this place is fake." You cannot further assert this assinine idea by posting poorly written bulletins imploring your "real friends" to respond to you. That goes against the whole idea. I am your friend because you added me. Don't MAKE me respond to this self-centered piece of shlock you posted in a self-righteous frenzy at 2AM.

Plus, I know that your threat to "delete everyone who doesn't respond" is as empty as Paris Hilton's head at a science fair. You're not going to delete me. I was there for that time you drank too much Jagermeister and licked that cute barback's face. It was me who patted your bottom when you dressed up nicely for Valentine's Day. Together, we drink green beer on St. Patty's and watch movies at the Treehouse Cinemas (aka My House). Please don't do me this way, baby. Destroy these chains of bulletin-induced bondage and make this world a more pleasant place to be!

Be kind, my darlings. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and don't go posting half-assed requests for attention. So if you'll excuse me, I have to go get a pap smear.

hoo hoo. g