Turn it Off

My sister has this problem with letting go of things. Although much better than she used to be, she tends to let the hurt cycle over and over again within her, destroying her confidence. She is totally sensitive, which is what makes her great with animals and children. Unfortunately, it also makes her relive her pain constantly.

She oftentimes will ask me for advice. Usually, I don't have any for her, because I deal with my woe differently. With me, after a certain point, talking about the problem or trying to see the lesson transtitions into wheels spinning. The pain becomes so great and the situation gets so far out of my control that I have got to move on. The switch flips, and I become numb. I can no longer devote any energy or emotion to the situation. When it's over, it's over. It takes a long time to get to that point, but when it happens, it is absolute.

It turns out that I have a switch that won't flip. This hurt lives beneath my skin like a diseased tick. The pain surfaces, does its damage, and then dips down below, biding its time until another moment of insecurity presents itself. Then, it never hesitates to shoot a searing pain through my heart.

I like to pretend it doesn't bother me. I have tried to build a precarious shell of confidence up by accomplishing things that are important to me, but the facade is cracking today. Obviously I have not learned the lesson that I needed to. I haven't fixed the bigger issue. I've only patched it with a butterfly bandage and some peroxide, but I think this shit needs some stitches and some whiskey.

"Get to the point,"" you're saying. "What the hell is your problem?" It's simple. The button within me that causes extreme sadness when pushed was created in my childhood. I didn't start life out quite right. It was quite the opposite, in fact. The wee HellCat was not held enough, left alone, and was generally unsupervised. I had to fend for myself, more or less. I ended up with few skills that would allow me to function in the real world. I was a wallflower who didn't know how to act around people. I was silent (can you imagine?), barely spoke a word. And I decided at that very young age that since no one cared about me, than I certainly couldn't count on any of them to take care of me. I had to do it myself.

You might not think that's a horrible thing. Well, it certainly isn't a natural thing for a child to decide. I think human beings desire close relationships, and so my inherent need for closeness directly conflicts with this learned and forced indpendence.

So why do I feel so rotten today? There are people in this world who don't want to play with me. Independent Grae doesn't need them and will play by herself, but the Grae that wants to be close to the people she cares about is upset that this sentiment is not returned. I had my chance, and I blew it. I am no longer a part of the group.

Normally, being on the outside doesn't bug me. It allows me to watch people and rejoice in human nature, and no one hassles me. I can take a break. But this was a big one. These were people that I gave a shit about. And they decided that I wasn't worth it. What a bummer.

Everything is beyond repair, there's no going back. I can only write loving emails and give slaps on the back, but it doesn't mean what it used to. I am not accustomed to being banished unanimously. I thought that kind of thing was reserved for serial killers or people who smell really, incurably bad. Not me. I love to smile and hug and make people laugh. I thought I did a good job. But this time, I'm not even allowed to sit on the bench.

Aren't we all suffering from some version of this problem, really? No one likes to be left out. No one likes confirmation of that sickening idea that they aren't good enough. We're all insecure. We all want people to love us. I am not unique, but I am the only one writing this blog. I can't help but think this entry might be a mistake...maybe I should dress it up, or be more vague, or lessen the importance of it all. Ah, fuck it, my darlings. You know a lot about me by now. I guess it's time to confess that my feelings can get hurt, too.

I have to flip the switch. I have got to forget about this and grow up. I must take it in stride, accept the things I cannot change, and hold my head high. Some times are harder than others, like today. Just rest assured that if you ever thought that I have my shit more together than you, you are mistaken. Let's give each other a hug and eat the fresh pineapple I have in my fridge.

mend. g