Coincidence?

Somethin's in the oven on this lovely Monday mornin'...perhaps a nice conspiracy pie...or cover-up muffins...I was in the shower this morning, listening to the hard-hitting news of the day as told to me by Steve, Jillian, and Dorothy of Good Day LA. People have been at unrest in this world this past weekend. There was something in the air. Strange things have been happening...and then it dawned on me. They're related. And no one is the wiser--Yet. Read on...

Fact: Cameron Diaz, in all her precious little dancing queen glory, was rushed to this hospital Friday. Justin Timberlake entered her home, Kangol cap firmly in place, to find Cammie on the floor of her wardrobe bleeding from the head. He scooped her up and sought medical attention immediately. Apparently, she fell off a dresser while reaching for something high up. Perhaps last season's Uggs?

Fact: Mario has voluntarily left American Idol. He stated that he needed to give attention to some family problems, and has been replaced with Nikko Smith. He left LA Saturday and is now back in NYC.

Both pieces of news are sending shockwaves throughout America today. And something funny is going on.

Mario's "family problems" came as a surprise to the world, as well as his family. Mama Mario says that she doesn't know what he's talking about. And the Executive Producer of Idol won't talk either. He didn't even crack under the pressure of the Dorothy's relentless, hard-hitting questions that come between Jillian's recollections of her last trip to Fred Segal.

And as for Cam--why would Justin move her immediately? Why wouldn't he call 911? And what was a dresser doing in her closet? Certainly the experts at the Closet Building Company to the Stars wouldn't allow something like that to happen.

I think that the two are connected.

I think Mario went insane. I think that Simon's brow-beating finally got to him. Randy's dog pound didn't bark loud enough for him. Paula's comments weren't quite sugary enough. His tummy was a jumble of madness when he heard, "Seacrest OUT," and lost his goddamn mind. He concocted a scheme, not unlike those of Al Qaeda, to shake up the nation. He was going to take away our little (Charlie's) Angel. He also probably hated Justin with the intense burning of a Thai-born venereal disease and wanted to disable him. Don't we all, kind of?...

That would show America for putting him in the top 12 and not just giving him the Idol crown straightaway.

So if you see Mario on the street in NYC today, punch him in the stomach and spit on his back. Then hum a few bars of "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now" and walk away like the classy American you are. And send CamCam a hamburger at Cedars Sinai with a card that has Jared Leto on the cover. The inscription on the inside should read, "Things aren't that bad--you could still be with this guy."

get up, stand up. g