Darryl and Dogs

Paul Giamatti is a national treasure. Like Don Cheadle, Ellen Burstyn, and occasionally Bobby Brown, that performer should be given a "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You" award of some kind. The award, although not honoring the concept of brevity with its title, is entirely necessary and the very least we can do.

Of course, you must have guessed by now that there is a "but" coming. I am ready to unleash a scathing diatribe re: Lady in the Water, the latest M. Night Shamalamadingdong flick. Well, come to think of it, I'm not really going to unleash it because it's not really a surprise to anyone. I'm just going to kind of put it out there, let it languish, and sleep easy knowing I finally updated my blog again.

The movie isn't that good, my darlings. But that doesn't mean I wasn't compelled. As I walked back to my suite in downtown Minneapolis, I pulled the hood of my "Devious Honey" hoodie up (even though it's about 78 degrees out) for fear of being molested by some northerner. I used the time with my blinders on to talk to myself about the film and what it was that kept me from leaving.

It is a wonderful bedtime story. It is about faith and beauty and hope. It has white eyelashes, koreans in tank tops, and Bob Balaban. Kind of a perfect formula for forking over my per diem.

Really, the only thing that turns it into a complete and total wash is the clunky, ridiculously executed telling of the bedtime story itself. I've been reading a lot about how Disney passed this one up, even after 4 movies with M. Night and apparently a lot of coddling. Before, I thought "Wow, Disney, missing the boat. Disney, elected mayor of Lametown," in that Rob Schneider "making copies" voice. But now my faith in Disney as an age-old fixture in the entertainment industry is restored. They were right. The narrative device reveal is too on-the-nose, too clumsy.

It fucks the whole movie up. Even the Wizard Giamatti can't save it. It collapses under the weight of its own ludicrous reveal.

Since I want to go to beddy-bye, I can't even begin to go into M. Night's role in this one and how he should be banned from the screen. Seriously, SAG should stand up. All of you guild members out there, put the heat on M. Night to quit making you look like jackasses. Everything that Albert Finney did, M. Night is undoing.

You don't need to see the movie. Rent Splash instead and pretend that just offscreen there is a big, green dog licking its chops and getting ready to pounce on Tom and Darryl. And you can do it in your jammies--a much better deal.

narf. g