Northern Life and Annoying Indians

"Life is different there in the Dakotas. Normal rules do not apply."

This was an ominous outburst from a co-worker of mine, while we were discussing my approaching trip to the lovely northern US. I asked her what she meant exactly, and she heaved a sigh that came from years of being burdened with this knowledge. Then she continued...

"Years ago, I was working as a producer for a TV show that was filming up in North Dakota. They hired a couple of local PAs to work with us. At least, I figured that someone told them to be there, because I certainly didn't hire them but there they were, ready to NOT work.

One of them was a Native American woman who was literally about 50 years old. Every time I asked her to do something, she would ruminate on it for about 15 minutes instead of actually doing it. It was like she was busy writing the next great American novel in her head and only stopped occasionally to mosey around the set. I've never seen someone try to look so spiritually aware while distributing Lays potato chips to extras on-set.

One day, I was trying to convey how important it was that she be faster in completing tasks. I felt bad, but this was just the way it needed to be and I was trying to get that across in a professional way. My message was not getting through to her, and I got more and more frustrated.

Then, without warning, this woman starts digging through her deerskin bag. She brings out some sage, sets it on fire, and blesses the room. Then she waves it in my general direction and tells me it's supposed to calm me down. This only succeeded in making me irate and I started to yell.

She wouldn't stop burning that sage and chanting. So, I finally just took a deep breath and screamed 'Fuck the sage! Kathie Lee needs her jacket NOW!'"

My co-worker stopped her story for a moment, letting the effect sink in. Then, as she stroked our office chihuahua's head, she muttered, "She had a heart attack at Mount Rushmore. I don't know why. She wasn't even running up the stairs."

Don't leave the reservation next time. g