Northern Lights and Aggressive Little Girls

I spent today traveling to see our neighbors in the northern part of the country...yes, the place you wish YOU were right now, North Dakota. Bismarck, to be exact, where men are men and women look generally disdainful with their Aqua-Netted bangs.

I am flying Northwest, whose airline abbreviation is NWA. The same moniker as Niggaz With Attitude. Coincidence? No. As I realized this, the little tiny blonde girl in front of me (one of two, actually) turns around and says, "Hello. I am very excited to be going to summer camp." Her sister turned around and stuck her head above the seat, too. "So am I!" she squealed. "We get to drink water flavored with LIME." She and her sister slap five and she sat back down. The first girl was still looking at me.

I got suspicious. The older gentleman next to me couldn't take the sharp, piercing scrutiny of hber tiny blue eyes and actually moved back two rows. I'm a closer, though, baby, so bring it on.

She looked at me, licked her lips, and said, "Knock knock."

I looked at her, incredulous. Really? A knock-knock joke? Aren't those a little passe? Like, aren't 7-year-olds snorting coke and fucking people without protection these days?

Instead of sharing this line of thought with her I said "Who's there?"

"Lemon."

"Lemon who?"

She sighed, disgusted over how clueless I was that I didn't already know the punchline.

"Lemon ORANGE." Then she burst into maniacal laughter for a solid 60 seconds. I just sat and stared, not wanting to make any movements that might upset her.

She stopped abruptly and looked at me again. "This is my lamb. This is only the second flight she's ever been on, and I've had her at least 10 years." Once again, this girl is seven. Eight, max.

"No kidding? Does she like to fly?"

"It's hard to say," she said, "But I know for sure that she likes iced tea."

Well whaddya know. You learn something new every day.

"Iced tea, huh? I like Diet Coke."

"That's nice. Shake her hand." She thrust the stuffed lamb over the seat into my face, little lamb leg outstretched and waiting. I raised an eyebrow and thought about this. Was I going to be punished for not obeying? Probably. This girl has strong legs to kick with and strong vocal cords to express anger...

I shook the lamb's hand/paw/hoof.

"That's all." She turned and sat down, immediately launching into a hand-slapping game with her sister. I had been tossed aside like the original Becky on Roseanne.

Not one more word was spoken to me for the rest of the flight. I was half relieved, half hurt.

This is going to be a weird trip. g