Happy Fricking Valentine's Day

The following is the work of my beloved Pablo Honey. He is a master wordsmith, and this is a piece inspired by our life together. I must admit that it gets the HellCat Stamp of Approval. Lucky for you, you're in the loop. Enjoy!


LIGHTS UP. A HUSBAND and WIFE sit on a couch snuggling.

HUSBAND
No, I love you more.

WIFE
No, I love you more.

HUSBAND
No--wait, I guess I love you less. I'm just kidding! I totally love you
more!

WIFE
Awww, shnookybutters!

(they nuzzle each other in an annoyingly adorable way)

WIFE
Babypants?

HUSBAND
Yes, bunnyface?

WIFE
Why don't we ever fight?

HUSBAND
Do you think we should?

WIFE
Well, Father Tim says that it's healthy to have an argument once in a while.
It gets out anger and clears the air.

HUSBAND
I could try it, I guess. What do we do?

WIFE
Just go out and come in and start screaming whatever's on your mind.

HUSBAND (chuckling to himself over the absurdity of it all)
Okay, but I'm not pulling any punches! You're gonna get it!

WIFE
Hee hee! Okay!

(The husband goes out of the room. Once he comes in, all the rest of the
dialogue should be delivered in tones of escalating, foaming rage.)

HUSBAND (stepping in the door)
Look at this place. It's fuckin spotless! Whaddaya do all day, just clean
and tastefully decorate this beautiful home?

WIFE
Oh, here we go. Whaddaya YOU do all night except sexually satisfy me in ways
I never dreamed possible?

HUSBAND
Maybe I wouldn't feel like doin' that if you'd stop cooking me delicious
meals every time I bend over to tie my fuckin' shoes!

WIFE
You're the one who's been able to get it up every night without fail since
our honeymoon!

HUSBAND
Your breasts grow firmer and more succulent by the day, WHORE!

WIFE
All right, motherfucker! You want a blowjob?

HUSBAND (narrows his eyes)
You don't have the guts.

WIFE
Oh yeah? Just watch me!

(She kneels down and starts undoing his pants.)

HUSBAND
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!
(yelling directly into the top of her head:)
I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!!

BLACKOUT.