"Puseta, Shmagina, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off"

Editing, cigarettes, sex, chocolate, drugs, exercise, talking, shopping. Everything I do (or could do, considering I am an adult who pays her own bills) could be left by the wayside if other needs prevail. I have never had an addicitive personality. It has kept me from wasting too much time thus far, until now.

I just bought the Sex and the City Complete Series boxed set.

I can't stop watching. Disk after disk goes into my DVD player as its core temperature increases by the minute. My remote is feeling the burn too, as I maneuver expertly through menus and fast forward through the opening sequence to get directly to the good stuff. Hello, my name is Grae, and I am a SatC junkie. "Hi Grae," no one says, because there is no support group for this. I don't get any pretty shiny coins. I just get a surge of estrogen and a new tendency to obsess over events in my own life just like those well-dressed successful ladies do. Only I don't have any New York style pizza or Manolos.

I have got to turn this around. If not just for me, for my boyfriend's sake, because soon he too will fall under SatC scrutiny. I will begin feeling "not in the mood" so we can discuss our relationship, or perhaps just demand he go shopping with me at Prada. Either way, he's going to suffer, and he's too good looking to get worry lines in his forehead this young. That would be a tragedy. So here I am. Turning it around.

I have decided to use the show's characters and situations as field research for what Never To Do in Life and Relationships. Here are some examples.

-Do not ask your boyfriend important questions that you need a truthful answer to during sex/right before climax.

-Do not spend $500 on one pair of shoes...regularly. And don't take them off at a baby shower because they will get stolen and your girlfriend will shame you for spending so much money on footwear.

-Do not wear an engagement ring on a necklace instead of a finger to "keep it closer to your heart" when that really means "to buy time until I have to make an actual decision."

-Do not help a man unless he has consented to being helped. If he wants his naked body to be plastered on a billboard in Times Square shilling for Absolut, he will give you the green light to make this happen.

-Do not wait until after you are married to Kyle MacLachlan have sex with him.

-Do not imbibe so much champagne at a fashion show that you trip in the middle of the runway and cause Heidi Klum to have to step over you.

-Do not have sex with David Duchovny because he has checked himself into an insane asylum and can't come out to play like other kids.

-Do not allow men to criticize your Downtown Grooming Habits without making sure they're shaven and shorn themselves.

-Do not convince yourself that wearing sexy shoes will make men more attracted to you.

-If you meet a ballerina who wants you to live with him in France, don't go. You will just be stolen back by the American love of your life. Why spend the money on a ticket?

-Do not become a lesbian unless it's with Sonia Braga.

I hope I am turning what could be a huge negative into more of a positive. I'm working doubletime to save myself (and my man) from estrogen-induced comas. What have I missed? Guess I have to comb over the series one more time...or seven...

a sucker for pink suede. g