Sweet Chocolate Jesus

I consider myself to have excellent willpower and an overall strong constitution. I take the high road, often at the cost of my own comfort. I take pride in doing the right thing. Blah fricking blah. That all means nothing now. Let me paint you a picture.

I am sitting in my atmospherically-lit apartment. I am wearing my jam-jams, comfy slippers, and my softer-than-a-cloud pale pink bathrobe. I just got done eating a healthy dinner, and am considering turning in for an early night.

I gave the cable box one last workout before I pulled back the covers. It landed on the Home Shopping Network, as it has a couple times in the past month, and what I saw there left me breathless. In front of my very own unsupervised eyes lay Valentines candies, glinting under the warm HSN lights. There were pretzel sticks covered delicately in nuts and chocolate chips, brightly gleaming caramel corn, and caramel apples rolled in nuts and drizzled delicately in white chocolate. The people at Silvestri Candies even thought to leave the stick out of the apple so it lasts an entire month. That kind of longevity, of course, is useless, because the very moment that an apple of that magnitude enters any woman's general vicinity it will disappear so fast it will be as though it never existed.

Let's talk more about why this is such a problem in case you're not following me. I am alone in my apartment, and before the fateful channel surfing began, was considering throwing out a booty call SOS to my boyfriend. Alas, the timing was not right, and I fixed the yummy dinner instead. Then came the TV. So I am a lone filly, on the couch as estrogen coarses through my veins, and I have fuzzy slippers on. The Home Shopping Network is possibly the worst channel to stop on, but I did anyway. And lo and behold, there was candy on the screen.

I had lost before I began.

It was reasonably priced, too. Not a penny over 20 bucks including shipping and handling. Hellfire. This is making me hate Valentines Day. This year, I was looking forward to the holiday, because I have a superb man friend and lots of wonderful friends and family close to me. But now, tonight, during my intense sugar craving, a dark cloud has formed over my head. What to do? Go to the Liquor store incognito and purchase an ice cream sandwich? Eat an apple? Go to bed? Masturbate? Pray for a death that will not come?

I think I'm going to cancel my cable.

static. g