When Life Meets Video On Demand

It's almost 10PM. So far on this lovely Saturday, after taking care of much business and errands, I find myself sitting in the Treehouse wondering what to do with myself. I am thinking that something along the lines of watching my favorite TV shows on DVD, reading a book I borrowed from my special man, or perhaps ICE CREAM would be just the ticket. Or should it be all three? Or should it be scrapbooking and fruit? Sewing? Scratching myself?

It's been quite some time since I have found myself alone on a weekend night. I know that I'm supposed to enjoy it. I should focus on doing facial masks, pumicing my feet, applying lotion oh-so-thoroughly, and rejoicing in my aloneness. But I find myself instead pondering the nature of my own persona. What is Solo Grae like? How is she different from Accompanied Grae?

As I was painstakingly preparing jambalaya and saying a prayer for everyone down south, I had Sex in the City playing on the TV. They just refreshed my Video on Demand, so there are a whole bunch of episodes from season 2 ready for my viewing pleasure. And, as though in answer to the thoughts buzzing in the back of my head, the episode was about Faking It.

As is customary on the show, they take the idea of Faking It past just sex stuff and apply it to more existential areas (because it is SO DEEP). Sure, Miranda was faking orgasms, but Carrie wraps up the show by sitting by herself at a cafe. She tells the server that she isn't waiting for anyone, she's there on her own, and then she drinks her wine. Her narration is telling us that she had no books or projects to distract her. She was just going to be on her own, with nothing to stop her from being herself. "No faking it," she said.

It got me thinking about meditation and how badly I suck at it. Meditation requires that the person empty their mind, put the world on hold, and kind of find peace in being by themselves. This is not how I am wired. I love people, and consider them (in the abstract) as being the only thing I really care about or am good at engaging with. So much of who I am comes from interacting with other people and thriving off the energy that comes from having them around. So Accompanied Grae lights up when she has folks she loves around. They help her be the things she likes being.

Solo Grae has to dredge up that energy herself. I'm not so super at filling up my own tanks. Time by myself results in becoming inert. Does this mean that I am unhappy with myself? I don't know. Right now I feel pretty okay, although some melancholy is lingering on the edges of my consciousness. Right now, the Sirius Love channel is doing its part to battle that malaise and soothe my soul.

I think this is just like everything else. It's all about perspective.

What I do know is that the mood lighting is on, the temperature is just the way I like it, and my belly is full. I like the color of my toenails right now, and this tee shirt is super soft. I guess I need to breathe deeply and take it easy on myself. There will be no desperate text messages to people who might have something fun to do tonight. Instead, I'm going to fix my favorite tea and just say fuck it. No more writing, either. It's weirding me out that I don't have the answers.

ehh. g