We Are All Dickheads

Americans only think their lives are crappy. Sure, some of us really have a reason to want to stick it to the man, but for the most part, we are all just fine. We have money to own cars, buy a Twinkie, and maybe even a CD once in a while. Feeling low? Visit your relatively clean neighborhood park, where the minor drug deals taking place are discreet and without weapons. Distressed? Go to the sink and get yourself a glass of drinkable water. Maybe even use the indoor plumbing and take a Maxim magazine with you. The options are almost endless.

Even Angelina Goddamn Jolie can go on national television and tell you that you ain't got it so bad. She's seen what it's like to be an orphan in Cambodia, so you'll excuse her for not breaking down and adopting Lindsay Lohan to shield her from her horrible, traumatic feud with Hillary Duff.

Take American Idol, for instance. Sure, some of those yahoos in line can tell a sob story weepy enough to get them on the nightly news. Yes, I understand that these people exist, although for every decent person who's really trying to accomplish something quasi-noble, there are 40 who just want to screw Paula and have their 15 minutes. In a half-assed retelling of one story, there was that one lady who was a single mom and needed to make it big to support her fam, so she sold a family heirloom or something to get money for a plane ticket to the auditions. That was pretty emotional. But even stories like hers seem like wacky anecdotes compared to some people's lives in other countries. Let me go out on a limb here and throw out, oh I don't know, Iraq.

"Talents," or "Pop Stars," also known as the Iraqi Idol, just launched the other day. There is no studio audience, and security is tighter than Nicolette Sheridan's latest face lift. The judges are in place, judging away as usual. But the people who go to audition have to dodge bullets and bombs on their way to the humongous line. Their lives are in mortal danger just sitting outside, waiting for their chance to belt out a tune. And when they get inside, the power often goes out or the Mayor complains that the music is too loud and will attract too much attention.

One kid got up there with his guitar. He sang a song about the hardships that people faced in his homeland. This isn't strange for the show, as most contestants sing songs reminiscent of the more flowery and classical Arab style that most consider to be high-culture. Anyway, this little kid gets up there and sings this song about people dying and hating each other, and he starts weeping as he sings. The judges lose their minds, everyone is crying, and I am thinking that we are all dickheads.

Can you imagine Bo Bice shedding a tear as he wails through his most heartfelt version of "Vehicle?" Is it possible to imagine Clay Aiken taking any criticism on his grammar during "I Believe I Can Fly?" All of our Idols are pussies. It's the Iraqi kids that are tough.

They'd have to smear Ryan Seacrest's naked body with cat food and put him in a canvas sack with a rabid raccoon to even halfway match the intensity of that Iraqi season finale. I should be a fucking network executive.

snl had it half right. g