From the Rooftops

When you're in a wonderful place on sensory overload, surrounded by friends, booze, music, dancing, and photo ops, it's a powerful drug. It can still be overridden, though. The magic can be dulled by a powerful foe.

The presence of your exes.

I found myself in a place with too many men that I have been intimate with in varying capacities. Lucky for me, everything always ends up amicable at some point, so there was a decided lack of drama. But this morning, as I was making my way through the Tree People hiking trails, I got to thinking.

We all know that things are never the same once you break up with someone. Even if you can still give them kisses on the cheek and take pictures with them while genuine smiles are plastered on your faces, there's still a difference in the air. Once, the two of you shared something special. You shared stolen glances across the room, long kisses, and late nights. And suddenly, even when things end in the most positive of ways, the Change is there. Suddenly, you are kept at arm's length just like the unwashed masses. Any means of communication, no matter how undemanding or infrequent, is not treated with the same importance as it once was. Suddenly, you fall into the category of "Average, Everyday Person." It becomes harder and harder to imagine that at one time you shared a toothbrush with this person.

We've all had it happen. That's just the natural direction of things. You have to make room in your heart for all the new experiences, which means moving the ones you've already had to the old, dusty memory attic. Pretty soon, the relationship becomes like an old home movie that we might pull out one late night when we're alone and feeling like reminiscing. And when I say "alone and feeling like reminiscing," I mean drunk.

Here's the thing. I realized that, given the chance, I wouldn't go back and make a different choice. I had some amazing experiences with these men, and regardless of what happened between us, I still find them Magnificent. It doesn't matter that they don't make goo-goo eyes at me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear anymore. It doesn't even matter that we can't have quite the same conversations that we used to. Julia Roberts, playing Shelby in Steel Magnolias, said that she would rather have five minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special. That statement had a profound effect on my life (and I'd better not get any flak for it, you fuckers).

This is why I'm choosing to take a chance again. I know someone Magnificent. What we've had to this point has meant a lot to me, and we'll always have it. There is always that lingering fear when embarking on an existential journey, because you're leaving behind what you know for something you don't. You can never go back. We hesitate to hold our breath and take the relationship plunge.

Deep in our hearts we know that Relationships are like Panda cubs.

Panda mating is delicate. It is infrequent, and for all the effort those little cuties put into it, rarely is a cub conceived. If one is actually born, they usually die quickly afterwards. So, as a result, the ones that survive are precious and beautiful and little black and white miracles. Relationships are like this. We try to find that connection with someone, and we give it our all, but most of the time nothing comes of it. All we have is that mating season (which by the way, in the Panda world, is like 48 hours). There is always that hope, though, and every once in a while you hear about a zoo that is proudly displaying their newest little addition to the captive family. And, in this metaphor, the zoo would be your family and the little panda would be, like, framed pictures of your 10th anniversary party on your parents' mantle.

I am ready for another five minutes of wonderful. Maybe five minutes will be an instant in time, or maybe it will be more than that. I don't care. This life should be about taking a chance on love, and how love is all you need, and how love lifts us up where we belong (Ewan MacGregor told me so!). Why sit in silence, waiting for mating season? Mating season should be every day! If Pandas were a little friskier and assertive, or if the lady Pandas would be more eloquent about their needs and boy Pandas scratched themselves less, then maybe we could have an abundance of Pandas. This world could be full of little adorable bears if we just tweaked our nature a little. I know it's unlikely, but goddammit, I am going to give it a shot.

I refuse to sit on the sidelines and watch this life pass me by. I am not the world's finest athlete, but I will run the race anyway. I have made some mistakes along the way, and I have learned a lot. But the only reason I run is because you get Gatorade when you participate.

I am willing to go out on a limb to believe that my Panda will be handing me the cups.

you be ying ying, i'll be su lin. g