Rage Against the Machine

I have faith that all the crazy natural disasters in our world mean virtually nothing in the big picture. Some people say it's Armageddon, and my assertion is the opposite. I know the world isn't coming to an end. Would you like to know why I am so confident?

Once again, I have failed to receive a cell phone rebate.

Therefore, once I actually receive one, then I know that hell has frozen over, pigs are soaring through the skies, and we are all majorly screwed. Anything could happen at the point that my bank account is 50-ish dollars richer due to some goddamn cell phone company actually honoring my attempt to pry some money from their cold, dead hands.

Years ago, when I sent in my first rebate application, it was meticulously filled out with the recepit attached flawlessly. I even bought delivery confirmation for the envelope. I sent it away, giving it a gentle kiss, sighing happily because my new phone didn't cost nearly as much as I had originally paid for it.

And then, I was brutally rebuffed. No check ever came. Suddenly, the cost of the phone loomed over me, and I swear that I heard faint laughter coming from the direction of the processing plant in Nevada. Those fuckers were out snorting lines off hookers asses and shooting craps instead of processing MY rebate! They were living the good life, throwing people's dreams into the shredder so they could knock off work twenty minutes early. I just knew this was the way it was going down.

I tried to call them to figure out why they were trying to hurt my feelings. They had no answer. Like an abusive boyfriend, they weren't my partner, they were dictators, causing me pain. But like so many others, I couldn't leave. I signed a contract to be with that boyfriend, who spat on me, punched me in the face, and regularly charged overage fees.

I went through this process several more times. I figured, why switch boyfriends when this one basically got the job done, even though I had to put up with some shit? I knew it got a lot worse with others. So I stayed, and kept taking the hits. Over and over I experienced the same things--that unmistakeable distance in their voice, and a marked unwillingness to help when I needed it the most. I started to believe that I was unworthy of humane treatment. "It could still get a lot worse," I thought, "so just grin and bear it."

Then, I found an out. My boss wanted me to get a company phone, and they weren't going to use my current provider. I had to break my contract, and they were going to pay for it. My knight in shining armor convinced me that I was worth more than what I was getting, so I packed my bags and got the hell out.

At first, it was like heaven. Sure, my service dropped out once in a while, and people had trouble hearing me when I was on La Cienega and Santa Monica, but I figured nothing is perfect. I'll take zero reception in West Hollywood over a bruised soul anytime.

Eventually, it came time for me to get a new phone. I wanted to keep the same brand, as I had all the accessories. The only phone they had that would work with my needs was the step UP from my old model, and it was expensive. But...it had a rebate offer to lessen the pain.

Once you've been burned, you can never shake the sickness that comes from seeing it happen all over again. I got that feeling then, in that T-Mobile store. I braced myself to just pay full price and not expect anything in return. I set my sights on taking the high road, and avoiding another dissatisfying relationship.

I sent the form in anyway. And sure enough, I received my Rebate Rejection Letter in the mail yesterday. As I skimmed the courier font that held no love for me, I bit my lip. It was all happening again. My hands started to shake. My eyes welled up with fresh, salty tears, and I felt my knees go weak. "Why me?" I wondered. "Other people must get their rebates. This can't be a worldwide conspiracy. Why am I not smart enough to fill the form in right? Why couldn't I have taken that Rebate-Getting course in college? When am I going to see some money back from these sadistic fuckers?"

And my eyes fell on the last paragraph. I could dispute the rejection. All of a sudden, the skies cleared. I now was certain that I could make them understand, and that with one phone call, I could make them love me like Sprint never did. "At least they wrote me a letter," I thought. "So go get 'em, tiger!"

I wandered through endless menus. They have one of those automated voice recognition things, which I hate (I'm positive that I'm joined by all of the cell-phone using population on this one). The voice you speak to is some smug, bitchy woman who is obviously a failed voice-over actress and hates her life. Her tone is syrupy, but has a metallic aftertaste. I quickly decided to name the woman's voice Rachel, since throughout time, girls named Rachel always hate me.

I asked Rachel to send me to customer care. She ignored me and asked me my social security number. I said, "Customer care." She responded, "I didn't hear you." I repeated, louder and with ridiculous enunciation, "CUSTOMER CARE." Silence. Then, she repsonded in the only way women know how when they've lost. She said, "Okay." But the last syllable had a raised octave compared to the first, which is unmistakably the passive aggressive indication that you have won this round, but she is not having sex with you for four days.

For the next 45 minutes, I was put on hold, transferred, and even engaged in a three-way (call). Finally, after no one could come up with a good reason as to why I shouldn't have this rebate, the operator just credited my account.

I was stunned. After years of being ignored, all of a sudden I had WON! I was finally with someone who would listen to me and make some magic happen just BECAUSE! I hung up and was filled with a blessed light. This just might throw my rough streak. And I keep finding myself distracted by my love for my phone, which is sitting next to me, delivering sweet text messages from my Man and enlightening calls from friends. This is the life I have been waiting for.

*And to note, I still don't count this as actually receiving the rebate. I see it as more of a situation where someone finally felt bad for keeping me on the phone for the better part of an hour. Since I never lost my temper and always said Please and Thank You, I got what I wanted. So, don't worry about Armageddon just yet. This whole Hurricane Rita thing? And the war? Etc? Not the end of days. We still have a ways to go.*

dinner's on me. g