I'll Assimilate if You'll Have Sex With Me

I've been ignoring the reports about the "TomKat" juggernaut because I am going to see both of their movies and I don't want to contribute any more money or attention to the subject. They've already got me and my hard-earned cash.

Today, their strange evolution as a couple has seeped into my consciousness...I stumbled across an internet site dedicated to rumors that they are definitely getting married next month, and are SO in love. I also watched the iFilm clip of Tom's "crack addict on Oprah's couch" routine. And thanks to CNN, I have learned that Katie has converted to Scientology. She's living in Tom's house, and apparently you can't get in there unless you give up Aspirin, read that creepy Dianetics book, and call Isaac Hayes to declare that you're just like him.

This is not a new topic, my darlings. This subject is all over the tube. We all remember Charlotte on Sex and the City converting to Judaism for that bald guy she married, and Ray Romano made a living for 9 years talking about it. That is only the tip of the nighttime programming iceburg.

I am thinking of ways that I have done this in my own life. What things have I given up or adopted when spending a lot of time with someone?

In seventh grade, Jake Perry convinced me that Stone Temple Pilots were all gods among men, and we would prove that by playing them really loudly while we were on the phone everyday after school. (editor's note: A year after Jake and I broke up, I returned to the school to see a play they were putting on, starring him. He faked amnesia to avoid speaking to me. This would imply that I had continuously called/bothered him for that period of time, but we actually never spoke once. Jake was just being a drama queen.)

My freshman year of high school, Jason was a year older than me and played varsity football. I ran the chains that determined first downs for every single game, even though the team was terrible and always lost. (editor's note: I thought he was a super cool stud, but I lived with the acute fear that I would snag his lip on my braces or something equally traumatic. Therefore, I avoided making out with him as much as possible. When we broke up, I convinced him it was his idea. I still ran the chains, though.)

I had a brief affair with The Gazzer, who owned a white rat and collected rocks. I couldn't manage to get into either one, which I think contributed to our demise as an item. I cherish the Tiger's Eye he gave me, though. He also liked my perfume. I still wear it because of how he descibed it once while we were laying under the stars on a cold Denver night. He said "You smell like home...and also like paper, kind of."

I began my career as a drama fag because of Ian. I also ate a lot of quesadillas because that was his favorite food (that was, not coincidentally, my fat year of high school). Casey liked raves, and I never left his side while he was visiting from Gunnison. I put my hair in two buns on my head and wore neon-colored see-through clothing, the whole shmear. No glowy sticks though.

DJ got me into the habit of frequenting Tower Records at 11:30 and leafing through any and every magazine there. He also got me hooked on the band Third Eye Blind and puka shell necklaces. I also own a myriad of corsets because of him...was that an overshare??

Everyone's Favorite Luddite, aka The Enigma, unleashed my DVD-purchasing desires, as well as my love for chicken pot pies. MLCIII convinced me that the Beastie Boys were not infidels and that rock and roll will save the world...and also that tummy rubs really CAN make all the bad things go away.

Some of the things I've picked up along the way have stuck, and others are but a distant memory. Luckily, though, gonorrhea stays forever.

Just jokes. It's herpes that sticks.

homina. g