Ride 'Em

This Brokeback Mountain thing has got me all hot and bothered.

I remember the first time I saw that trailer. My special man friend and I were in a flick on what had been to that point a heterosexually hot evening. He was eating a snack, I was thinking about whether or not my eyemakeup was blended properly-pretty average. Suddenly, the Copperplate Gothic font I know so well flashed on the screen, and what followed made my jaw permanently bond to the non-sticky ArcLight theater floor.

Dudes kissing.

And here, dudes even gets a literal meaning because they are cowboys. These two hotties are keeping each other warm during cold nights, living in sham marriages, smelling each other's old jean shirts, and pressing their sculpted bodies against each other while staring at lakes.

As the trailer ended, I sat there rooted to Row K Seat 21. My heart was hammering in my chest, my palms had the most delicate beads of sweat forming on them, and I felt like I might die from happiness. I realized that this might insult my man friend. I turned to him. His eyes slid away from the screen and he whispered, "That's pretty much going to be the hottest movie ever." I exhaled with relief. "Holy crap," said I. "I feel like Christmas came early."

So I've been thinking about men who steer cattle and screw each other. Whoah, Nelly.

It dawned on me that there's a trick to this. Dudes kissing is hottest when it involves two men that are Hetero Enough to also maybe want to ravish a woman. If there are two muscly men kissing that obviously want nothing to do with labias and such, the hotness is watered down like hot chocolate at the homeless shelter.

I call this the Hot Chocolate Homo-Hetero Hotness Theory. Look for the paper in the next Scientific American.

yeehaw. g