Eyebrow SVU

Sometimes eyebrows suffer too. The poor darling fraternal twins try to grow and thrive on some woman's face, but after years and years of being beaten down by uneducated, misguided plucking, they just give up hope. They keep the shape that the wannabe esthetician gave them, and more often than not, it is the wrong one. But they were no match for the cold steel of the tweezer, so they just did what they were told.

So often one might hear the tale of how their arch hits the middle of the eye, as opposed to the outer corner, forcing the poor defenseless eyebrows to peak too soon. They were pushed farther away from each other like brothers and sisters during the Holocaust, with iron bars and gas chambers being metaphorically replaced by forehead. They ended up distant from their sibling and made the woman's nose look wider at the same time. And they were overall too thick in some places and too thin in others--and had classic self-image problems like Karen Carpenter or Mama Cass.

We need to help these poor, hairy darlings. Otherwise, they might completely jump ship and force women to get tattoos above their eyes. This cycle of disdain and sadness that has kept the world spinning on a tilt must end, even if it shifts the balance of things. Women, we must do something.

I am doing my part. I am working with Beverly Hills' finest Eyebrow Shaper to set my precious, furry expression-helpers free. Where would I be if I couldn't raise one of my eyebrows when someone comes to me with a plea for help, or perhaps a terrible idea for a television show? Nowhere, is the answer. I have pledged to hide my tweezer and pray.

Join me, ladies. Everything you thought you knew about your eyebrow shape is probably wrong. You're walking around with fat ass noses and heavy lids and you don't even know it.

It took a trip to Beverly Hills to show me that I had let the philanthropist in me die. As I passed Tiffany & Co, Crate and Barrel, and Emporio Armani, it became clear what an asshole I am.

liberty! g