Baby, It's a Wild World

There is some weird stuff happening in this world. I think everyone is attuned to the cosmic waves telling us that in 2005, there will be no jive. It will be a great year. All your dreams will come true, you will get a pony for Christmas, etc. But I've heard some disconcerting things in the past few days that are really making my right eyebrow raise.

Foremost: Your pets can get frequent flier miles. Someone at United's card-making company actually has to print out a Frequent Flyer card that says in raised letters "Sparky" or "FuFu." That is awesome. But why stop there? Let's give them picture IDs on the back, so that way Reefer the Doberman can't give his card to Stella the poodle and scam the already-faltering airlines. Don't let animals start abusing US!

Hooray for Animal Rights!!

Next: There was this dude who was all over the news yesterday for going into the dentist with a toothache. It had been going on for some time, so they took an x-ray. There was a four inch nail in his head. He didn't know how it got there. But it was just gently resting on the front part of his brain.

We all know this happens all the time. I find it unbelievable that four inches of metal would find it's way into your body's communciations center without you noticing at some point, but hey. This world is full of unexplainable shit. Jon Lennon got shot but Yoko still lives, that's one of those things for sure. Want another? Why do the French spell Bologna like that? What is with their language, anyway?

I also wonder why this guy got on the news. Did Sanjay Gupta of CNN snort his v8 out his nose when some doctor told the story over danish and coffee? Mmm. Danish. Mm. Nails.

What do people who have gone through such traumas do with the foreign object that pierced them? I would save it, definetly. I think he should build some sort of commemorative helmet, or a dog house...and just put the nail in the top like an antenna. Maybe put a little tinsel on it.

moving on...

Option C: In Germany, men will be competing against each other in a reality show that races their sperm. Yeah, they're getting guys from all walks of life--celebrities, old dudes, health nuts, and the rest all to go to a sperm bank, make the donation in a test tube, and it will be shuttled to the studio. Then a chemical that is similar to the one secreted by an egg will be put into swimming reach, and the spermies will race each other.

This is, like, car-accident reality TV. I would absolutely watch this show. I would name all 500,000 of the soap-opera star's sperm and cheer them on. I would pick the vegan to win, just because I know that his sperm are too pale and sickly to make it. I would secretly hope that other sperm would turn gay and flee from the scene, not wanting to be a part of this heterosexual charade.

Wow. And the winner gets a Porsche. This has all those baby-loving feminist hags in a frenzy...."This is immoral!" they shout while clubbing a man over the head with their fake Fendi purses. "This is giving people the wrong idea! The prize should be a baby! Not a Porsche!"

Now, quite frankly, if science and the rules of nature got turned on their ear and I could fuck the most virile man AND receive a pricey sportscar instead of an unwanted pregnancy, I would be into that (Wait a minute. Some girls do that right now. Hey...) Maybe we should consult God on this one. Is it really that important to keep the population growing? Can't we instead embark on a journey to destroy the environment AND get laid more often sans consequences?

No more birth control! Give me some driving gloves!

Vroom vroom! g